Introduction.
Learning to set boundaries and say ‘no’ didn’t just protect my time, it saved my peace of mind, my health, and even my relationships. For years, I thought that saying yes to everyone was a sign of kindness and strength. In reality, constantly saying yes erased my own needs, drained my energy, and let other people’s expectations dictate my life.
For the majority of my life, I was a people pleaser, always seeking praise and the approval of others. I’d do whatever I could for anyone, often to the detriment of myself, and later, that of my wife and children.
Everything began to shift when I finally started saying ‘no’, awkwardly at first, but then with more confidence. I found room to breathe, my stress levels dropped, and I learned that true relationships could withstand healthy boundaries.
Equally significant, I've come to understand that the company we choose to surround ourselves with is crucial. Being selective about who I spend my time and energy on made all the difference. Some people lift you up, while others bring you down, but it often takes some painful lessons to tell the difference.
This is how refusing to be everything for everyone changed my life, and why choosing the right people to let in makes all the difference.
Conflicting Personalities. Outspoken Yet Self-Sacrificing
On reflection, it’s a strange one to be honest. Why? Because, growing up, I was never afraid to speak my mind or get things off of my chest when people pissed me off.
But there was something about doing things for people that has always made me feel good, and it still does, which I think is normal?
When Helping Hurts. Recognising the Boundaries Breaking Point
It becomes a problem when you do things for others at the cost of your own physical and mental health. When others begin to expect you’ll just be there at the drop of a hat because you always have been.
It’s in that moment you realise it’s gone too far. When you’re just expected to drop everything to be there, and worse still, you know deep down these feelings aren’t reciprocal and that it certainly wouldn’t work this way if the other way around.
I have been in this position many times over the years. Regardless of whether it's with family or so-called "friends".
Builders and Drainers. The Two Types of People
As I approach my 40th year on this planet, I have also become more aware that there are typically two types of people: those that build you up and those that bring you down.
It’s a simple theory, really. If spending time with them makes you feel like crap, or you leave feeling like you don’t want to do that again in a hurry, then this person or people bring you down.
If spending time with someone or a group of people makes you feel good, or you leave feeling empowered and that you should see them more often, these people build you up.
It took me way too long to figure this out!
Parenting Wisdom. Lessons for the Next Generation
I even try to impart this knowledge on my teenage children, but unfortunately, they just look at me like I am some kind of old dragon.
The joys of the human condition, we have to figure shit out for ourselves. We simply do not like being told what or how to think, nor do we always learn from others, which is fair enough.
I just know it would save them a lot of wasted energy later on. I certainly wish I would have had someone share this with me when I was their age. Although I absolutely know I would have looked at them in the same way as my children do to me.
Health Wake-Up Call. Forced to Rethink My Limits
For me, personally, I had to take this way more seriously when I became unwell. My body could no longer deal with stress. Stress would cause my symptoms to become so bad that in many cases, I would end up bedridden.
As I am sure many of you know, completely eradicating stress from one’s life is impossible, as we all experience it to varying degrees throughout our days.
I have had to retrain my mind and body to work with the everyday levels of stress. By retraining, I don’t mean I have some fool-proof system for doing this, because I certainly do not. I wish!
Stress Filter. My Questions Before Reacting
I have had to step back, assess situations, and make decisions on what these stresses really mean.
When things happen in my life that have the potential to cause me stress, I ask myself a series of questions. For example:
- Does the random guy that commented on my post on Facebook, disagreeing with my post or just generally being a troll, affect what really matters to me?
- Does his trolling cause a direct threat to me or my family?
- Is there a risk that his actions are going to have a lasting impact on my health?
- Will I remember this in 1, 3, or 5 years? Obviously, you may remember this stuff, but will it be at the forefront of your mind as it is in that moment?
The questions I ask will vary depending on the situation I am faced with, but they are typically similar to the above.
The answers are usually a resounding ‘no.’ I then have to make a conscious effort to move on from a given situation. So, in this example, this would potentially mean blocking the troll, and certainly not doing what every troll wants you to do, replying.
Under no circumstances, do not engage with these people. They always have something to say and will do anything and everything to provoke a response. It’s what they do.
The Family Factor. Distancing for Self-Preservation
Over the years, I have completely stepped away from members of my family who, as I have pointed out above, met the criteria of “bring me down.” Distancing myself from their behaviours and constant drama has made a tremendous positive impact on my mental and physical health, and has enabled me to control the stress these relationships caused.
Final Thoughts. Stress Management Is For Everyone
Whether you have a chronic illness like me or not, managing stress is an important step we should all be taking. Stress has been linked to both mental and physical health conditions, and to some degree, can be managed.
It isn’t easy, nor is it an exact science. Stress still gets me and puts me in bed, if severe enough, but I am actively working to make my environment as low stress as possible.
